how i see things part 2

Written By Francesca Pagni

The reality is that it is inevitable differences of opinion will always occur. Despite this, humans tend to find it difficult to deal with the tension that arises from dealing with these differences.

There are a couple common ways people deal with it.

Some of us avoid tension or conflict by simply not leaning into it and hoping it will disappear on its own. Or, some of us deal with it by pulling rank and using positional power to decide what a result should be.

Both of these approaches are flawed - they do not make the differences of opinion go away.

Quite the opposite - the longer what needs to be said or resolved remains unsaid and unresolved, tension tends to continue to bubble away until it changes into conflict, more entrenched polarisation, and relationship or group dynamic breakdown.

Do you recognise these patterns?

My core views on how to tackle this are that:

  • Everyone should have a voice. We shouldn’t simply listen to the status quo or majority view. We must listen to people who have an alternative perspective to offer, or who are not being heard.

  • People need the skills to lean into tension and conflict and include diverse perspectives in decision making. These can be hard to learn, as tension and conflict tends to feel risky - which is normal and understandable. However, conflict presents a valuable growth opportunity.

  • The more we are able to recognise and deal with tension and conflict, the healthier our relationships and group cultures will be, and more positive impact becomes possible.

The principles I follow and invite others to consider as part of this work are:

  • Curiosity and Humility: no one has a monopoly on the truth. To learn and grow by trusting the wisdom in others and groups, and being open to hearing views that are different to my own. Being willing to be unsure and to let go of my need to be or appear "right".

  • Generosity and Compassion: always remember my own and others humanity – even if I disagree with them, or am disappointed in myself. How much can I welcome the different and conflicting, often paradoxical views in me? The more I do this the more compassionate I can be for others, remembering that we are more alike than different. This allows me to approach others in good faith.

  • Courage: can I acknowledge reality? This doesn’t mean I have to like it. But when I can say “this is how it is” (accepting it, and becoming unattached from my personal agenda) that is the moment things can start to change. James Baldwin said: "Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." To do this, especially when we are uncertain of the outcome, takes courage.

It also takes courage to hear views we disagree with and hold our curiosity, humility, compassion and generosity, and try to find a way forward together. If we can, this allows us to robustly stand in our principles while leaning into a process that will help solve our challenges rather than let them continue to chip away at our relationships, impact, and collective efforts.

Lewis Deep Democracy is your process and toolkit for achieving this. It’s a unique methodology that enables people to lean into to tension and navigate differences in such a way that creative solutions are found, everyone feels heard, and relationships are strengthened. It’s based on participation and conflict transformation.

There is no perfection in this work, and no miracles either. But I believe that by taking part in learning participative skills for resolving conflict, we are contributing to creating a healthier world - one relationship, group, or organisational culture at a time.

I hope you are interested in learning more.

If so, the steps I’d suggest are:

Francesca Pagni
Previous

10 signs your team or group is dealing with unaddressed tension or resistance (and 5 ideas of what to do about it)
Next

How i see things Part 1